When things don’t go as planned + everything feels hard

This week, I crashed my dad’s car.

(don’t worry - everyone involved was OK)

Let me back up, because there are some other things that happened first that led up to this.

Last Thursday, my car engine failed. In the middle of driving it, at a stop sign, the car just… died.

Thankfully, I wasn’t too far from home, and I was able to get a free tow to a local car shop for free with my insurance. Not so bad, right? I figured it might be a few hundred dollars to fix, a minor inconvenience, but not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

At this point, I started to feel the shame emerge, the what-ifs, and self-blame. I knew my car had an oil problem. I’d been staying on top of it, getting regular oil changes, topping it off in between. Last week, though, I had let it slide a couple days. Then, my check engine light came on. Granted, it had come on a few weeks ago and then went back off, so I figured it was somethiing small, nothing urgent. Things were busy at work, I was in a creative flow in the afternoons and didn’t feel like taking it to get looked at, plus fall break was right around the corner and I’d have plenty of time to get it fixed then, right?

Apparently not. 

Because on Monday, I got the call - my engine failed & needs to be replaced. It would probably cost around $10k, which was almost as much as I had paid to buy the car 6.5 years ago. The mechanic told me it “probably wasn’t worth it.” Welcome back - shame, guilt, blame. I had a bad case of the “shoulds.”

I should have gotten an oil change.

I should have taken it to get looked at.

I shouldn’t have ignored my car.

I should have taken better care of it. 

Thankfully, my family lives close by and is gracious enough to give me support. My dad and step-mom let me borrow one of their cars. Not their old van (which I preferred), since I was driving into the city. Instead, I drove my dad’s trusty reliable car that’s been in great condition since he bought it new in 2009. He said to me, “well, whatever you do to it can’t be any worse than when you drove the van in college and it got dented, right?” (I see you, Universe, & that’s not funny).

Everything’s not so bad. I have a plan in place. I have people who support me. This sucks, but it’s going to be okay.

Today, I start off my daily feeling great. I go to a coffee shop to get some work done on a project I’m creating (which I’m super excited about, but not sharing yet). I’m feeling positive, grateful, high vibes only. I’m in my head - a million thoughts and ideas racing through my mind about both the practical things (what to do with my car, my to-do list, my workout later, etc.) and the passion things (my work as a doula, my creations, my goals and dreams). I’m driving along on the way home, when all of a sudden I see brake lights. They slammed. I slam. I hit.

FUCK.

Instant time warp back to the shame spiral.

I can’t believe this is happening. I don’t know what happened. I was paying attention, wasn’t I? Was I not paying attention? How didn’t I react in time? Why didn’t I swerve? I did a bad thing. I’m letting my parents down. They will be so disappointed in me. They’ll be mad at me. Blame. Blame. Blame. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Next comes the shame: I’m so stupid. I’m a terrible driver. I should never drive again. He should never have let me drive his car. I’m not worthy of their help. They should be mad at me, and they shouldn’t help me again. I’m not trustworthy. I’m a bad person. I should be embarrassed. I’m not good enough. I’m not worth loving. This keeps happening to me because I deserve it. I let everyone down.

Enter my sacred pause.

Deep breath. Look around. Feet on ground. Sun on skin. Observe the thoughts, but don’t let them win.

Reframe the shame.

Now, it’s not quite as simple as that in the moment. It’s a lot of back and forth between, a cycle of sensations.

Feel the shame → notice the shame → reframe the shame. Repeat. For HOURS. (even now).

If you know me - you know that I rarely speak negatively about myself to myself. I own up when I make mistakes, of course, but I am careful to use language that reflects what I did and how I’m growing from it, rather than making a judgement call of myself. And I NEVER call myself stupid. Sure, I do stupid things sometimes (don’t we all?), but I know at my core that I’M not stupid.

But in that moment, I let it slip. I said it internally, and I even said it out loud.

I wanted to go home and numb it out. Have a drink (or 3), sit on the couch, and doom scroll the day away so I didn’t have to face or deal with everything. The crash. The consequences. The money. The apologies. The emotions (especially the emotions).

Here’s what I did instead.

I got home, dropped my phone, went into my meditation room and I let it out. I scream cried until my face was tear soaked, my sweatshirt was full of snot and mascara, and my lungs were coughing for air. When I was done crying (for the moment), I walked straight to my backyard and lay face first down in the grass. 

Just being. Being held by mother earth. Warmed by the sun. Tickled (ok, itched) by the grass. Reminding myself that I am safe. I. Am. Safe.

I don’t need to numb. I need to feel. Numbing myself won’t help me heal. It will just make me feel even shittier tomorrow when I have to deal with it anyway. And my soul’s purpose is too big to let myself numb my days away instead of shining my light.

So here, I am, writing to move through the pain. Move through the embarrassment. Could I have done something differently? Sure. I could’ve given more space, driven more defensively (I guess that course I took online didn’t help much lol). But, ultimately - I wasn’t on my phone, I wasn’t under the influence, I wasn’t speeding or driving recklessly. I made a mistake. I reacted too slowly. I was in an accident.

Yes, I feel really bad for damaging my dad’s car, especially when they were gracious enough to let me borrow it and were going to lend it to my brothers the next day. 

Yes, I still feel embarrassed. I know I’m not the best driver (ask any of the curbs in town), but overall I feel like I’m fairly safe and I don’t drive recklessly, plus I can parallel park my SUV really well.

Yes, I still feel worried. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate the situation. Helping my dad repair his car, figuring out my own transportation situation. I’m even a little scared to drive, but I know I need to work through that for my career & life purposes.

But, I also know deep down that I am still worthy. I deserve love. I deserve compassion. I deserve forgiveness. Even if I have to keep actively reminding myself of that for a while again. 

It’s been a really hard week. A really hard year. Well, actually, a really hard few years. I keep wondering when things are going to feel easy. Turns out, I don’t know if they ever do. 

And the beautiful thing is that I keep choosing to show up anyway.

I’ve found my true passion, the thing that really lights me up, and I’m committed to seeing it through. I’ve grown in ways that I didn’t expect, and I’m so proud of the person I am becoming. 

So when things get hard and everything feels heavy, I know that I’m still going to be okay.

I’m learning to take that pain and create something out of it. And I hope that reading about my journey will help you, too, know that you’re not alone.

Sometimes, it feels like things keep just piling up. One thing after another. 

You get stuck in the past. You start to question yourself, like what am I doing wrong? What did I do to deserve or create this? You start ruminating on the could haves or should haves.

Or, you get stuck in the future. How will I be able to fix this? How can I afford this? What if something else happens? The hows and what ifs are endless.

Ultimately, no matter what I could have or even should have done differently, it’s done now. I accept my responsibility in everything that has happened. And that doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me a real human person who makes mistakes. 

And, I can worry until the cows come home but spending that time and energy just honestly isn’t worth it. I don’t know how everything will turn out. But I’m choosing to have faith that it will. I’ve made it this fair in life, haven’t I? And in this situation, it’s about CARS, replaceable hunks of metal (that I vow to respect more thoroughly from now on). 

How will I waste my vitality worrying about that, when so many people need more & better access to quality reproductive health care, and I’m on a mission to be part of that change?!

Thankfully, I know that I have people in my life who will pick me up and hold me through this. I know when I fall that people are there to catch me. Most importantly, I’m there to catch myself.

I’m so grateful I’ve got the strength to do so. 

I’ll end here for now, but please know, whatever shit storm is brewing in your week  - I see you. I’m in it too. And we’re going to all make it through together. 

Reframe the shame. Accept responsibility. Let go of the past & the future. And then let’s move the fuck on.

I’ll still let myself feel all the feelings when they arise. And then I’m transmuting them into growth, joy, passion, connection. Because life’s too beautiful to get stuck in shame.

I’m sorry, Dad. Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. 

I’m sorry, Rachel. Thank you. I love you. I forgive you.

Now it’s time to put on some music & dance!